Alphabet Mafia - Blog Posts

gladiatorofthevoid

3 years ago

I am a girl. I am a girl because everyone my whole life has told me so. I am a girl because I wear skirts and dresses, because I like talking about boys with other girls. I am a girl because I wear bras, and need tampons, and need to shave my legs every week. I am a silly younger sister, and a caring older sister. I am a girl because my body chose to be a girl, and I love being one.

But I want to be a boy. I want to be muscular and strong, and to have a flat chest. I want to shop in the men's section for button downs, and shorts with large pockets. I want someone to look at me and think "He's so handsome." I want to own Nerf guns, and climb trees while scraping my knees. I want to be a mischievous little brother, or protective older one. I want to be a boy. But I am not. Because I am a girl.

Sometimes I want to be a mix of the two. I want to be a boy who wears skirts and high heels, and doesn't feel like any less of a man. I want to be a girl who intimidates and works long days to provide for her family, and who is still seen as a woman. I want to go a long time without washing my hair or shaving, and still be called Miss in the grocery store. I want to wear makeup and curl my hair, and still be told what a fine young man I am. But I cannot. Because I am just a girl.

Sometimes, when I am alone, I will take off my clothes and look in the mirror. At my body, who chose to be a girl. (Though I do not hate it because of that choice. It did not know that the soul that lived inside of it would not match.) And I will say to myself "I am a girl", and for that second I will be. Then I will say I am a boy, and I will become one for that moment. Sometimes I will say " I am a boy and a girl." and I can be both. Other times I will say "I am just a person." And my concept of gender will fade for that moment.

But after, the words will fade and I'll put my clothes back on. And I will be just a girl again. Not because I chose to, but because that is what I have been told my whole life.

I am a girl because everyone has told me so, and they will never see me as anyone else.

(This is my experience as a multi-gendered individual. I do not speak for anyone in the community except myself. People have different experiences with gender and sexuality. Nothing is universal. If you want to understand someone, ask about their own experiences. Don't presume. Make sure to take care of yourself.)