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Personality Disorder - Blog Posts
Wanted to make my first actual talking post cause I need y'all to know that this space is safe for those who may not feel welcome in their own communities.
No matter anything, you are loved.
Aspec people? Your love is so different from what others expect it to be, and if you're loveless you're so so valid and I love you in the same way I love the universe. Asexual, aromantic, aplatonic, asensual, every a- out there: you're not broken. You're not wrong for being yourself and I love you like all the stars in the sky, so many more than what's visible.
Alterhumans? No matter what/who you are, you're beautiful for exploring your identity as something non-human, human-adjacent, or human in a different flavor! You're amazing and wonderful and I'm so proud of you for even considering being yourself in a world not built for you. Human, animal, object, concept, doesn't matter because you still deserve respect and love. I love you like all the little bugs I find outside, all beautiful and free.
People with conflicting labels? You're so cool. I don't care if you identify as a man and a lesbian at the same time. I don't care if you identify as a woman and a gay bear at the same time. I don't care how you identify, you're a living being and you're just as valid as everyone else. I love you like trinkets, all so unique and beautiful in your own ways.
Systems? You're spectacular and no origin of system or headmate could change my mind. Your system came about from trauma? I'm so proud of you for coping with your trauma and living your life happier and healthier with others that can support you. No trauma? That's okay! It's none of anyone else's business how you came about, what matters is that you're living your life the best way you can and I'm so proud of you. I love you like yarn, all so wonderful and varying and full of endless possibility.
Disabled people? Your disabilities don't make you any less deserving of respect and love, no matter what anyone says. You don't need to prove your usefulness to anyone that actually deserves to know you. You're allowed to be "useless". Your existence is a blessing even though I know it can be so difficult or impossible to do even basic tasks, and your worth is way beyond whatever anyone tells you you "should" be able to do. I love you like plushies, made to love and be loved, made to exist.
Neurodivergent people? You're so strong. This world was not built for your mind that varies so greatly from what's expected of you. Those of you that have a "dangerous" disorder, you're so valued and I'm so proud of you for being your best self, no matter those that say you're insane or manipulative just for being yourself. I love you like nature, unpredictable or scary to those unwilling to understand, you're beautiful not despite your brain but in tandem with it.
Xenogenders? You're epic. It's so awesome that you've been able to identify with concepts, objects, animals, characters, literally anything! You can be anything! Isn't that amazing? I don't care if it's cringe, I don't care. You're being yourself and that's so amazing. I love you like art, found in every place you look if you're looking with an open mind.
Religious people? It's so amazing that you've found something to believe in that helps you live your best life. As long as you're not using your religion to put others down, you have my support. It's so spectacular that you have something you believe in. Please don't let anyone take that away from you. I love you like rainbows, a miracle of life and a wonderful sight to see.
People with personality disorders? You're so valid. Granted I don't know much, but I do know that you deserve love and respect just as much as anyone else. No matter how misunderstood or mistreated, you're safe here. I'm always willing to learn and understand how to be a good person to everyone, no matter how "scary" you are. You're wonderful and I hope you know that. I love you like the ocean, full of so much vastness and beauty below the surface.
I love you I love you I love you!!!
However,
If you are a shitty person who forces yourself onto others or thinks that others are below you for what they believe in, do NOT be anywhere near my page. If you are any sort of -phobic, any sort of "minor liking person", any sort of asshole: I will automatically block you and you are NOT welcome here.
If you use my wholesome post to start drama or controversy I will block you. This is not a safe space for you if that is your intent.
This page is for loving, not hating.
I've always had the idea that Gressil has HPD
Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a mental health condition marked by unstable emotions, a distorted self-image and an overwhelming desire to be noticed. People with HPD often behave dramatically or inappropriately to get attention.
Some examples I think he shows:
Be dramatic and extremely emotionally expressive.
Be persistently charming and flirtatious.
Act inappropriately sexual with most of the people they meet, even when they’re not sexually attracted to them.
Speak dramatically and express strong opinions but with few facts or details to support their opinions.
Think that their relationships with others are closer than they usually are.
Need instant gratification and become bored or frustrated very easily.
Some others that he can show, but I don't think he really does:
Feel underappreciated or depressed when they’re not the center of attention.
Have a “larger than life” presence.
Use their physical appearance to draw attention to themselves by wearing bright-colored clothing or revealing clothing.
Be gullible and easily influenced by others, especially by the people they admire.
Have difficulty maintaining relationships, often seeming fake or shallow in their interactions with others.
Constantly seek reassurance or approval.
Just a few examples:
Think that their relationships with others are closer than they usually are.
With Tomoha, to me, it seems like he believes they are closer than they really are. Also, with Gladiolus in the cell. But then again, I think he just acts close to everyone he meets.
Need instant gratification and become bored or frustrated very easily.
Says he joined Mateo because he was bored, and he seems bored of it now, which I think is from him no longer getting attention from Mateo, especially over Tomoha.
Be gullible and easily influenced by others, especially by the people they admire.
Thought/thinks of Rayne as his god, and it seemed/seems like he was willing to do a lot for her (or to even get to her).
Some other thoughts:
Do I think this justifies what he did? No, he was a freak (in a bad way) and weird (also in a bad way). I do think that this could explain some of it though. Aka being the center of attention between the three of them, wanting himself to be looked at.
(Going in-between them in their conversation and making it about him, putting themselves in a life-or-death situation, not letting Tomoha sway him from his plans)
I do think this can explain some of his actions in all the seasons, and I do think he will keep displaying them after... well.. whatever happens.
I have no idea if Gressil having a mental illness/disorder is confirmed by Ms. Freaky, so I could just be putting info that is already cannon out there. But it's one of my headcannons if it's not confirmed, and you do not have to agree with it, or me. Just be kind, and everything, please.
The website I got the information from: Histrionic Personality Disorder: Causes, Symptoms & Treatment
It might not be correct, because it is the internet... so, I'm sorry if it is wrong in anyway
Anyway, I enjoyed this rant session, and maybe you did too :P
I just would like to add, not correct or change any of this:
People with personality disorders, anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc are SOMETIMES ALSO ABUSERS and their mental health definitely plays into their patterns of abuse. I've...unfortunately been on both ends of being abused by a mentally ill person. I'm not proud of how I behaved on one end and and my experiences at the other won't excuse that, ever.
That being said, language is highly important and it IS critical to avoid generalizing terms for oppressed groups like mentally ill and disordered people, so yes to all of the above. Just...remember people are complicated, yeah?
Can I please find a single resource for abusive relationships without there being "narcissistic" in the tile like come on.
Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking you, but do you know anything about agoraphobia caused by avpd? Bc I have avpd and am increasingly becoming more and more scared to leave the house, I cant go to school and yet I have to. Im not sure what to do
Hi there! Sure, I’ll share what I’ve figured out.
What is agoraphobia?
This word is often used for “anyone who doesn’t leave their house.” But it’s actually connected to panic disorder. It’s about avoiding panic attacks, or places it’s hard to escape from – where panicking would be especially rough.
People with agoraphobia feel unable to deal with (or cope with, or ride out) their panic and anxiety. Which is why instead, they try to prevent the attacks by avoiding triggers – staying at home.
So here’s how agoraphobia and Avoidant Personality Disorder are linked.
1. They both rely on avoidance, to the exclusion of any other coping mechanism.
Uncomfortable emotions – fear for agoraphobia, shame for AvPD – get the same solution every time: Avoidance. Anytime we feel bad, we avoid more.
If this goes unchecked, all other coping mechanisms gradually fall away and are forgotten. At first, avoidance seems like the only choice that works; later it seems like the only choice that exists.
This is how people get stuck.
2. They both involve anxiety reinforcement due to avoidance.
In short: The more you avoid something, the more you’ll fear it.
This is a huge part of basically all anxiety issues; it’s why anxiety tends to get worse and worse. Here’s a link (TW for eating disorder mention).
If you avoid something for long enough, doing it feels scary, even if it wouldn’t have been scary otherwise. (Ask me how I know!)
This anxiety builds fast, as soon as you start avoiding something. But luckily, when you start doing the thing again, it decreases quickly too.
3. They both result in withdrawing from the outside world.
There’s a definite tendency to stay at home – for AvPD, too. Why?
I think people feel more able to cope with things, when they’re at home:
There’s no extra embarrassment, no need to hide how upset you feel.
Access to most or all of your best coping resources (like distractions).
(for agoraphobia) Fewer adrenaline triggers – the arousal of your nervous system, which is interpreted/experienced as panic.
(for AvPD) Fewer situations where someone will try to connect with you, risking visibility and rejection.
So when you leave home, you have fewer coping resources to use, and you get more stressors to deal with.
4. They’re both about protecting yourself from an uncontrollable emotional experience.
With both disorders, there’s this terror of being defenseless to your emotions.
People with agoraphobia feel helpless to control their anxiety and panic.
People with AvPD feel helpless to control their shame when criticized.
There’s no way to buffer or shield yourself from what you’re experiencing.
You’re at the mercy of your emotions – they seem out of control.
Being unable to trust your emotions is actually traumatic. That’s why in therapy, one of the things people learn is how to cope with and tolerate their feelings. (DBT specializes in this! Here are some basic lessons.)
Components to think about:
Reliance on just avoidance, rather than a flexible variety of coping skills
Neglect of other coping skills, and other areas of your life/identity
Inertia due to anxiety reinforcement (more avoidance = more fear)
Stuff that seems to help:
Learn how to deal with your feelings. If you can, find someone who will teach you DBT, or study it on your own.
In particular, learn to cope with anxiety. For instance:
breath and relaxation practices,
“worst result, best result, most likely result” reasoning,
planning and preparing for likely outcomes,
reframes: “Today I am practicing. No matter what happens, I’m going to learn something from it. So even showing up is a win.”
Find and try lots of different coping techniques. Experiment!
But – you don’t have to choose the perfect method. Often, what helps you get clarity is the act of stopping to do some self-care.
Identify what your big stressors are.
Look for any adjustments or tools to make it more bearable.
Set aside time, before and after, for self-care.
Start observing yourself.
Don’t judge, just take notes about your reactions to things. There’s no good or bad data – it’s all just useful.
This is especially hard but especially helpful during a crisis. It gives you something to do & focus on – so you don’t feel as helpless.
Getting out of the house is so, so difficult when it’s something you haven’t done in a while. I’m in the same boat, and I’m still figuring it out myself.
Hopefully this gives you some clues about what you’re facing & what you need!
Much love <3
Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me
Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.
First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.
The most fundamental thing:
You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.
You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.
You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.
That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.
(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)
The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.
It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.
It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.
You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.
And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.
Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.
Personality disorders are complex.
AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.
(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)
It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.
Personality disorders mean inflexibility.
Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.
Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.
It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.
And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse.
It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.
Knowing doesn’t fix it.
It’s not that kind of problem.
That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”
What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.
We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.
People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.
It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.
Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.
It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.
This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.
But even further than that …
The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.
The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.
It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.
Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.
But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.
If you’re close to someone with AvPD…
… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.
And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.
Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.
And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3
(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)
So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.
The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.
This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.
Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.
Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.
It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.
It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.
But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.
They need you to believe them.
If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.
Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.
It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.
Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).
Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.
You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”
And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.
“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”
These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.
Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.
First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”
Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”
And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”
It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.
But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.
Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!
Hi there anon!
Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:
What you want to accomplish by telling your parents
What your relationship with your parents is like
Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?
Hm... I definitely have some dependent traits. But some borderline traits, too, and a few NPD.
(I have a theory that AvPD, BPD and NPD are different expressions of the same core issue. They all circle around a very particular kind of shame, which is why we can all learn a lot from each other. I’ll have to do more research before I can figure out if DPD fits the same pattern though)
I believe I have both avpd and dpd, but it's kind of confusing for me. Do you think that's possible, and if so how do you think a person with both would behave (for comparison to myself)?
I think DPD is confusing for a lot of people, so don’t worry, you’re not alone in that. But AvPD and DPD is actually a really common co-morbidity, as you can see by the data at this link: here. (Beware of Out of the FOG in general, but it’s the only site that has statistical data on these things.) Plus, PDs are most co-morbid with other ones in the same cluster.
Someone with both AvPD and DPD would probably have a pronounced relationship with a “safe person”, I imagine. Who in this case would also be what I think the majority of the DPD community refers to as their “depended”. But while most people with DPD seek validation and dependence from many people, and rely on the opinions of others for whatever they do, I think people with AvPD as well would mainly focus on the one person, and be terrified of engaging with others, even if they wanted to.
But experiences will vary, as they always do. There are a myriad of experiences for any disorder, so matter what the clinical expectation is. Some people suffer from some symptoms more than others.
I hope that helps!
- Shinji
AvPD theory: social dysregulation
Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like … a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.
Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.
Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.
People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.
They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.
Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation – they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”
It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.
But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.
The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person – it just seems dangerous and harsh.
And we can’t put these feelings into context.
We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.
We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.
That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.
It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.
It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.
Our inner experience is turned into chaos.
We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.
We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.
And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.
Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:
“I might be able to enjoy this thing… but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”
Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.
What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.
(more here!)
AvPD theory: social perfectionism
Avoidance as social perfectionism.
“This relationship will be doomed from the start … so there’s no point trying to make friends.”
“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward … so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”
“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable … so there’s no point in reaching out.”
These examples share some common links:
negative self-esteem
avoidance of anxiety/discomfort
seeking control and certainty
trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them
Thoughts, anybody?
(more here!)
AvPD theory: social dysregulation
Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like ... a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.
Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.
Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.
People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.
They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.
Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation -- they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”
It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.
But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.
The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person -- it just seems dangerous and harsh.
And we can’t put these feelings into context.
We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.
We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.
That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.
It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.
It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.
Our inner experience is turned into chaos.
We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.
We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.
And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.
Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:
“I might be able to enjoy this thing... but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”
Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.
What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.
(more here!)
AvPD theory: social perfectionism
Avoidance as social perfectionism.
“This relationship will be doomed from the start ... so there’s no point trying to make friends.”
“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward ... so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”
“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable ... so there’s no point in reaching out.”
These examples share some common links:
negative self-esteem
avoidance of anxiety/discomfort
seeking control and certainty
trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them
Thoughts, anybody?
(more here!)
Listen, all you folks out there with AvPD: you’re amazing.
Every day, against all odds, you show up on my dash.
You live in a world that has taught you to feel unwanted, defective, unseen. But you keep on existing anyway.
You’re all warriors. And you are beautifully fierce.
Don’t listen to the voices – those around you, or within you – that say you’re weak or incapable. You aren’t. Because every single day, you are here, fighting and winning. Even in the moments that feel empty and unnameable, you are learning and growing and gathering strength.
I see you collecting these little things that feed your soul. Assembling the tools you need, for the hard work of staying alive and being well.
You are astonishing, and brave, and powerful. Someday, you’ll carve out a life where you can finally become yourself.
You are real. You matter. And you’re not alone.
This is really important.
I talk a lot about trauma-based PD’s because that’s what I experience. So I understand that kind the best, and I have some useful thoughts to share.
But it’s not the only kind that exists. And if you don’t have an “explanation” for how your disorder originated, that’s okay. You might not find my writing too relevant -- but that doesn’t make you irrelevant.
You matter, your experiences matter, and you’re still just as welcome here. <3
Shout out to kids with personality disorders whose disorder wasn’t caused by any specific event or a traumatic childhood. Disorders don’t need a specific reason to exist, sometimes they just appear.
Hi! Hope you don’t mind if I take a different angle here:
It is absolutely possible to experience some symptoms but not all, and still need and deserve help.
I’m kind of inferring, Anon, so this might not be what you’re talking about. Let me say up front that if you want to pursue an official diagnosis, for any reason, that’s totally fine!
But also?
You don’t have to be diagnosed for your struggle to be valid.
You don’t even have to be diagnosable.
And you don’t have to reach a “bad enough” point before you deserve to feel better.
Our culture puts forward the idea that only some people – people with Real Problems™ – get to have feelings, need help, or spend time trying to be happy. But that’s complete nonsense. Everyone needs to do those things, and everyone deserves to.
It’s okay to recognize how miserable you feel, or admit how much you’re struggling! You’re allowed to care about being happy.
You’re a good enough, real enough, valid enough person already. Your feelings matter. You matter -- and you don’t have to do anything to “earn” that, or to deserve to feel better and be happy.
Now…
Having a name for a specific condition or group of conditions, like AvPD and PD’s in general, is useful because similar problems usually behave in similar ways. (And honestly! So many PD’s have overlap!)
These labels aren’t a permanent stamp of “Here’s What’s Wrong With You.” They exist basically to point you in the right direction – to help you understand what’s happening, and which treatments are likely to help you.
If you relate to the experiences of people with AvPD, then the treatments that help AvPD will probably help you, too. Even if you never meet the official criteria for “having the disorder.”
Maybe you’re just Avoidant-ish … but you might discover that solutions like DBT, self-care, and social support still work really well to help you function and live the way you want.
The most important thing is finding things that work for you. And maybe getting an official diagnosis is part of that process for you. If so, that’s fantastic, good luck! But, it’s not a prerequisite.
You’re allowed to need help at any point, so don’t wait for that moment before you start to work on getting better. We are all learning, growing and trying to take care of ourselves. And you belong here just as much as the rest of us.
<3
is it possible to experience some symptoms of avpd (or any pd) but not all and still have avpd? (it's ok if not, you don't need to spare my feelings haha)
Hello.
Yes and no. It depends what you mean. The current diagnostic criteria states 4 out of 7 symptoms need to be present in order for a formal diagnosis plus the general PD criteria. You definitely don’t need all of them but you do need 4 or more. For more information, visit our What Is AvPD? page.
- Jay.
Yes! This is very important. Those thoughts are coming from your brain because of your brain -- not because of who you are.
Think of all the situations you've experienced in the last year. Think of how many things you survived or accomplished or created. (Seriously, do it!)
Did you feel victorious and strong at the time? That would have been a feeling that was relevant to the situation, caused by the situation.
But a lot of us didn't feel inspired and mighty because of our victories. A lot of us still felt inadequate and fearful and ashamed. We didn't celebrate. We weren't in the moment. Our feelings weren't happening because of our lives -- just because of our brains.
Those are arbitrary feelings. In a way, they’re not quite tied to reality. Because they aren't dependent on what actually happens.
And when you're able to recognize them as such, it's a little easier to think of them as just background noise. “Oh, I’m actually anxious no matter what is happening around me. I actually feel bad about myself no matter how my life is going.”
And that can give you the chance to see what other feelings you may be having, in response to the actual situation.
Emotions are things that live and breathe, flex and bend and run parallel and contradict each other. They’re messy and real. So if how you feel doesn’t actually change with the situation -- something’s probably stuck!
something i need to repeat to myself five billion times: feeling that you’re the worst person in the world is part of a symptom, not some unfortunate, ultimate truth. there is nothing personal about it, despite what your brain may tell you.
Here’s the thing about personality disorders.
Among everyone I know with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I’m one of the happiest, most outgoing, and most emotionally secure.
I have strong, positive, intimate relationships in my life.
I feel comfortable interacting with strangers.
I even make friends easily.
(The secret they don’t tell you is that even when you’re good at it, not everyone is a good choice to try it with!)
But this week, despite all of those things,
I still turned off my phone to avoid a dreaded phonecall.
I was crushed by a moderate disappointment.
I genuinely worry that my friends have stopped liking me, and that I’m not welcome in my social groups anymore (“they’re finally onto me!”).
When someone confronted me about something, even without any overt hostility, I had an anxiety attack before I could respond. And after the conversation I cried in bed, so hard that when I got up, I had tiny fresh bruises around my eyes.
Most days, I have the impulse to take down posts that feel too personal, too confused, too me.
I doubt myself and everything I’m trying to do. Sometimes I still feel like hiding in a closet for the rest of my life would be a better idea.
And I obviously still struggle with all my usual avoidance problems -- like the effort it takes to leave the house.
There are extenuating circumstances, but...
...the thing about having a personality disorder -- or any mental illness! -- is that it’s always there in the background.
It’s usually always under the surface. It can affect everything in your life.
And even when someone seems to be doing really, really well, this is still something they have to be aware of and careful with. Sometimes, if you’re recovering, it feels like it’s always waiting to take over again.
There are always triggers. There are always situations that will prompt a disordered response. Sometimes you’ll be able to choose away from acting on that response, and sometimes you won’t.
And there’s never a time when self-care stops being important.
So if you’re struggling?
Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you, and it doesn’t mean you’re worse than everybody else. Because everybody has times where things are hard and awful.
It’s okay to talk about how much it sucks. We all need validation and support.
It’s also okay to deliberately focus on what’s good and what successes you’re having, if that’s helpful for you.
You can even do both at the same time. In spite of all the things I listed up there:
I turned my phone back on and called them back! I used my self-talk skills to cope with the disappointment! I kept showing up to my social group! I had the confrontational talk and survived! I didn’t take down any posts! I learned some things!
Most of us tend to downplay our victories and emphasize our faults and mistakes. Consciously doing the opposite of that can help us change our thought habits.
But mostly:
There’s no wrong way to heal. There’s no wrong way to get better, or learn what you need to learn. And you can get stronger and grow as a person, even when you have lots of bad days.
What works for you is good enough, and that’s all that matters. <3
songs that are relatable to people with schizotypal personality disorder
Ladytron- destroy everything you touch feeling a lack of empathy towards others and destroying your relationships with everyone you know
Jack stauber- baby hotline wanting to seek professional help when your at your lowest, psychosis/anxiety
Cristianmirror- the mind electric 4 demo - struggling with mental instability and not being able to tell reality from delusion
Balde and bath- Bloody sink I feel like think song relates to those who suffer in silence, with crippling anxiety and paranoia to the point they will have panic attacks in public
Black Sabbath - paranoid obviously paranoia that an entity or a person is out to get you yet no one sees it but you
Marc Demarco- chamber of reflection this song could relate to the feeling of isolation and loneliness as people with schizotypal will often ghost or push people away due to paranoia that others will hurt them
Cannibal corpse- hammer smashed face relates to those who actually killed or experience wanted to kill (not all people with stpd experience this though keep in mind)
Radiohead- creep a song about feeling isolated as you don’t fit in can relate to those who struggle to socialize as they are seen as awkward or eccentric
NPD with ASPD traits flag for myself because I didn't vibe with the one I found!
[ID: A flag with eight equal horizontal stripes. In descending order, the stripes are lavender blue, stormy blue, dark blue, black, dark red, coral orange, pale orange, and pale yellow. End ID.]
Narcilix - an NPD experience in which your NPD affects how you show affection, social bonds, love, compassion, and/or care in general. It may feel dull, inconsistent, or otherwise different from how those without NPD experience these things, and may cause issues in forming relationships or bonds. May or may not be part of the user's orientation and/or considered aspec.
This was coined to serve as an NPD version of Anisolix (link).
[ID: A flag with nine equal horizontal stripes. In descending order, the stripes are pale yellow, sunny orange, red orange, brick red, dark purple grey, stormy blue grey, blue grey, light blue grey, and light blue. End ID.]
Flag by me. Colors sampled from the NPD awareness flag by @/npdsafe. Inspired by the anisolix flag.