Oldwritings - Blog Posts

The fate of darkness

it’s always the same feeling 

isolation despair sorrow helplessness 

people make living out to be some thrill ride that one should never get off of

but i just want to un loosen the seatbelt and let myself fall

the ups and downs are overwhelming 

why is it that everyone else gets better while i stay the same 

why can’t i go one second without wanting to die

is it too much too ask? has the world given everyone but me an opportunity to truly be happy 

no matter how much medicine how much therapy how much time i go through 

i’m always stuck in the same 4 glass walls watching everybody else be free 

no matter how much hardships others seem to be going through why do they get some reliefs of conflict while i continue on trying to act like i’m unfazed or not envious of other’s lives 

is it a cruel fate to which i am to live?

would it even matter if i were anyone else since misery has taken a claim on me

changing who i am, wanting to think i’m better cannot hide the resentment and fury i feel within me

i really wish i could say fuck it and just pretend that trying to love myself is all i need to do

but no matter how much i try it seems loving myself is something that just wasn’t meant for me 

the dark suspicious isolated awkward reluctant disgusting figure that seems to ruin everyone’s life 

but how silly of me to think so highly of myself

im not even a thought in others minds 

i cease to exist and no matter how much i think of others not a single penny of thought is given towards me

but hey at least im alive right? because being alive is what everyone wants me to be right?

yet where are those same people when i just want to say hi, have someone to actually talk to

no, no it’s only me 

of course there is the more pretty social person they would rather converse with

if dying would rid me of my conscience i would do it in a heartbeat 

if dying meant people would actually think about me for one, even for just a moment in time i’d close my eyes and let the darkness take me

Picture credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/591378994853108153/