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Since yesterday, I actually decided to look into intrusive thoughts and read about them because as of recently I started to realize I do in fact have intrusive thoughts.
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To give some info, I’ve been undiagnosed for all my life, not because I was tested negative but because I never actually went to the doctor to get diagnosed. And let’s just say I had the hispanic childhood so yea I definitely have a lot of things undiagnosed.
And for the longest time, I tried not to label myself as anything because I thought it was very harmful to just say ‘I have this mental illness’ when I’ve never truly been diagnosed. I thought I would just look like I’m being a pick-me for the longest time.
But since then, I found out that being undiagnosed is completely understandable. And that I know me better then anyone and I’m allowed to analyze myself.
I’ve been seeing a lot of videos on my feed pointing out many of my symptoms and signs that I may have ADHD or more. And hilariously so, most of my friends, who either have been diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, and Autism, have pointed out how I can very much possibly be undiagnosed.
I’m more certain I have undiagnosed Anxiety and ADHD while I’m still unsure about Autism but I need to look more into that.
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Which now brings me to this topic that feels like a nail in the coffin, my unwanted intrusive thoughts.
Obviously I’ve heard of that word due to funny and serious tiktoks but I now found out that is exactly what I’ve been experiencing throughout my WHOLE LIFE. Down to elementary school. And sadly it has only gotten worse as I become a teen.
Whenever I have intrusive thoughts, I always feel disgusted, repulsed, and sickened by the thought of it. I had to live with the guilt that this was me being a sick-minded person and thinking these things were my fault. That it was me being a dirty-minded son of a bitch thinking these things as I constantly tried to push them back.
That was until I found out this was never the case. When I read that article about what intrusive thoughts were and what they weren’t. I cried, I cried in relief and bliss that it was never my fault.
I started looking more into Tiktoks and found that finally being reassured helped me feel so much better. I really needed to know that this was never some fucked up unconscious desires or truth about me but very much the opposite.
I really wanted to talk about this because it had made me feel so much better and just watching those tiktoks make me feel like I wasn’t alone and I cried again.
I know really feel the urge to just have Jonathan reassuring me about my unwanted intrusive thoughts lol.
Vent ends here on a happier note :)